Personal Growth
How do I grow through the harm I’ve caused?
Vibe Song:
Oh hello stranger! It seems as though I haven’t written a blog in just over 6 months. Though I did do a couple episodes of a podcast, which I might resume at some point, it has been too long. Let’s do a quick overview of what has happened in that time:
- I took a 4.5 month break from work. It was successful but I wish I had done more with it. Hindsight and all that jazz
- I went to a Microsoft Developer Conference because of a DEI initiative that paid the way for me. This was an amazing experience and one that was a bit of stretch for me, because I was outwardly indigenous the whole time. Something I’ve continued to do ever since.
- I had a boundary pushing incident (I was the pusher) that subsequently caused me to rethink how I was trying to relate/connect with others. Afterwards I went into a deep depression and pulled away from almost all connections that weren’t my platonic life partner. I’ll speak more on this later.
- I stepped away from the kink community altogether. My boundary incident was definitely the catalyst, but there were many things that the decision make sense. I was too “plugged in” to the community and tried too hard to make it my identity, rather than just an interest.
- I started going to ACA meetings to help deal with the childhood traumas I have around self worth. This is more a direct result from my boundary pushing incident. So far I’ve been fairly consistent with meetings, only missing a week or two because scheduling.
- I went to my tribe’s powwow with a friend. This was an amazing experience that reminded me that the more I connect with my indigeneity the better I feel deep down.
- I started dating/looking for a long term relationship. After my boundary pushing incident I realized that my “slut era” was not unhealthy for me. I have too many insecurities to do that successfully and plus I have a specific yearning for a type relationship that only comes from a LTR. The big change I’ve made with dating is going a lot slower and being more intentional.
- Because of going slower and being more intentional, I recently started working with an escort. The interesting thing about that experience so far is that the sessions are like mini glimpses into the type of relationship I’ve been wanting for a long time. I’ll expand on this more in a bit.
So that’s a, relatively, high overview of what’s happened with me in the last 6 months. Obviously a big theme is my boundary pushing incident. Which I feel like I’m still processing even though it’s been about 3 months. And to be clear the boundary was a sexual boundary, and after I received a hard no, I respected it. The shittiness of my behavior comes from the fact that I knew about this boundary ahead of time. I deeply regret what I did and I see clearly the 5 other paths I could have gone down.
That incident is really hard to talk about because it’s still fresh in my mind. Like I mentioned, I’m still processing it and still trying to unpack all the reasons why I chose to do what I did. And it feels like each day or so brings a new insight. And I haven’t fully regained trust in myself since then. I’ve avoided having sex with anyone (besides the provider I’ve been working with) because I don’t really know if I’m ready yet.
This is a big reason why I decided to go back to dating but take it slower and be more intentional. I realized that I haven’t been able to break away from my habit of masking heavily with people I’ve been connecting with in the kink community. I was really focused on people liking me rather than me figuring out if I like them or if we were compatible. In a way it didn’t matter if we were compatible if we were willing to fulfill each other’s “needs.” In hindsight, it feels gross, but unfortunately that’s a relatively common thing in the kink community. And I let myself get sucked into it.
Dating slowly and intently was all fine and dandy after I came out of my deep depression because my libido was basically non-existent. Matching and talking with people on dating apps felt good because I wasn’t coming from a place of needing to meet in person right away. Though things shifted when my sex-drive came back with a vengeance. I couldn’t think about anything else and had even intrusive thoughts about friends that I really didn’t want to have.
This created a dilemma because I didn’t want to rush things with the people I was talking to and I didn’t really want to try and hook up with people. Though I did attempt to do hookups but as usual was unsuccessful, thankfully. I realized that I needed to do something different because the path I was on wasn’t sustainable. This is when I reached out the provider I’m now working with and planned a session for my birthday. Having the plan in place eased the pressure because I had something to look forward to.
Leading up to the session, my dating life had taken an interesting turn. I had stopped talking with one person because I realized there wasn’t a strong enough connection to continue. And another person, who I had been experience a lot of limerence with, had let me know that they weren’t feeling a strong connection with me. This last one was hard for me partly because of the limerence but mostly because I felt a sense of safety and openness with them that has been rare for me. So it felt like a wonderful thing was like sand slipping through my fingers.
Thankfully, I had my first session the very next day. And like I mentioned earlier, the session ended up being a beautiful glimpse into a life I’ve always wanted for myself. We laid next to each other on the bed in silk robes, being physically affectionate, and listening deeply to what the other was saying. Expanding each other’s worldview but feeling a keen alignment in how we saw the world. We got so engrossed the conversation we almost forgot to actually get to the sexy times.
The session was so beautiful and amazing, we immediately scheduled an encore for the following week. And during the week, I finally broke things off with the person I was feeling limerence for. Thankfully, we were able to have a direct and open conversation so I walked away feeling good about it but still grieve the loss. The first session had given me such clarity that I knew I couldn’t continue and that no amount of sacrifice was worth it. Thankfully, I had my second session to look for to.
Going into the second session, I felt a slight embarrassment because it became pretty obvious to me (and probably you too), that I’ve developed feelings for my provider. Luckily I’m able to stay realistic about what the connection is, and that I’ve been loving the fantasy that’s being created. The fantasy of what life would be like if I wasn’t over analyzing every aspect of myself, letting my desires flow naturally, and feel seen. Seen not only by them, but me seeing myself. In a way, the session have been healing for me.
The sessions have felt like a safe place for me to explore my sexual desires again in a healthy way. Because we clearly laid out what the boundaries are, we’ve effectively created a sandbox for us to play within. It’s a kind of freedom where I don’t have to feel scared about what I’m doing. And it’s been a great way for me to practice healthy communication around boundaries. Asking before doing. Openly communicating my wants and desires and having them received well. In a way, these sessions have become like therapy sessions for me. A structured form of corrective experiences.
I would love to take a deeper dive into some of my thoughts around these sessions but this blog is already starting to feel too long. Hopefully, it won’t be another 6 months before I decide to write again.