The Meaning of a Name
It’s important what you call me because how will I know who I am.
Vibe Song:
It’s a funny thing to start a blog with pseudo name and have it get you thinking about names. Having multiple names is not a new concept for me. I grew up with a legal name and the name my family called me. I tried to go by the name my family called me without school but once I got to Junior High School, a teacher I had was insistent that she call me by my legal name. Because of this insistence I caved in and started going by my legal name.
This caused an interesting rift. It was pretty easy to know when I had met someone based on what they called me. Friends from elementary would call me by my nickname and friends from junior high would call me by my legal name. This continued into my adulthood where at work I would go by my legal name and with friends I would go by my nickname. However, Living in a multi-name head space was difficult when I was going to college.
I would often stammer when a teacher or someone asked me my name because I’d have to do a quick mental calculation of how friendly I wanted to be with this person. This lead to a few joke nicknames because I would unintentionally combine both names in funny ways. Even in high school I had people I called friends, (I wouldn’t call them that now) make joke names for me. Some people might look at that and wonder what the big deal was, “it happens to everyone.” And I would have agreed at the time but over time it created negative and unhealthy self images.
Within the last six months I made the decision to stop going by my legal name, all for the sake of consolidation. My image of who I was when I went by my legal name was one that was highly professional and serious, something that I felt didn’t fit me. Going solely by my nickname was closer to how I saw myself for the longest time, someone caring and a little bit goofy. But when I entered the kink community I made the decision to pick a new name for myself to protect my privacy.
It’s always kind of funny to tell someone that Adin is based on a name I randomly generated for a WoW character like 15 years ago. For some reason that randomly generated name stuck with me all these years. It’s the name I reach for every time I create characters in video games. So it was a pretty easy choice when I went to pick a name for my scene name. But who is Adin?
I hadn’t thought to ask this question until I started this blog. I intentional chose to use Adin because of the topics I wanted to be able to cover while keeping some anonymity. But it’s beginning to feel like something more. My Adin persona is more confident, loving, and joyous. Being Adin, gives me permission to be more like who I always wanted to be, because I’m choosing to be that person.
This is opposite from my other personas because I was focused on doing whatever it takes to fit in. My legal-persona was focused on conformity and being a good capitalist cog. Although I’m still a cog in a capitalist machine, I’m more aware of my impact within that system, rather than staying blind and keeping my head. My nick-persona was focused on being a chameleon and stealing parts of people’s personalities to better fit in and be liked. It wasn’t an intentional process, it was more trial and error and I picked up traits and habits that made me not like myself.
When I enter a kink space as Adin, I’m purposeful about how I’m showing up. Yes, there are some aspects of my nick and legal personas but I’m choosing those parts that I like about them. This still leaves me with the question of who Adin is. I’m not entirely sure yet to be honest. The journey is fresh and road a head is covered in fog. I’ll eventually find my way and I may incorporate some aspects of my Adin persona into my nick-persona but only the future will tell.