A Healing Fantasy
Healing through sex work.
Vibe Song:
So in my last blog, Personal Growth I briefly mentioned working with an escort and how it had an impact on me. An impact that I wanted to expand upon but the blog was already 1,400 words, and why not create an excuse to write some more? In some ways, I’m still processing the impact but I have a pretty good grasp on why it hit so hard. And why I’ll be a recurring client.
”A beautiful glimpse,” is a phrase that has been on repeat in my head since the first session, and a phrase I used in the blog itself. But what do I specifically mean by “a beautiful glimpse?” In short, it means the experience distilled down all of the aspects of an experience that I’d been yearning for but have yet to fulfill. And before I dive deeper, I do want to acknowledge that I’m titling this blog, “A Healing Fantasy,” and not “A Beautiful Glimpse” like I originally planned. The reason is hidden in the last part of my definition, “…yet to fulfill.” Let me explain.
All throughout my dating life, my marriage, and subsequent poly dating life, I’ve been unfortunately standoff-ish towards physical affection. What I mean is that I’m a very touchy feely person, touch is not only a stim for my autistic brain, but a way for me to feel close to someone. And I’ve been standoff-ish because I don’t know how it will be received. It’s like wanting a hug but being too afraid to ask for one. So I let other people ask.
I let other people’s actions define the boundaries of what is and isn’t okay in the moment. I did this because it always felt like what I wanted was more than what the other person was willing to give. My desire was all consuming. And the ambiguity made it such that it was better to start with less and work our way to more. In a way, it wasn’t the worst idea, but it did hold me back from the types of experiences that I always wanted. Experiences that others may have wanted but we wouldn’t know because the question was never broached.
Obviously, as a relationship developed, especially my marriage, there was physical intimacy, but it never felt fully satisfying. There would be cuddles or kissing or massages. There would be deep intellectually stimulating conservations. Deep conversations about our feelings, but it always felt like something was missing. Like it never quite hit the mark. And the reason why it never quite hit the mark was because of me.
So what does this have to do with sessions? I’m obviously not in a relationship with my provider, that would cross so many boundaries. However, I did, accidentally, created a sandbox where I could play and form “disconfirming experiences.” And a “disconfirming experience,” a phrase I use in therapy, is an experience that actively disconfirms previously held “confirmed” beliefs. People will call this a “corrective experience,” and I say “tomato, potato.” There is a subtle nuance that only I care about but I don’t think is relevant to this blog.
What were my “confirmed” beliefs that I was “disconfirming” with the sessions? That my desire for physical affection is not only valid, but welcomed. And the specific kind of physical affection is okay. You might say, “Well that isn’t really a profound insight. Especially to warrant such high praise.” And I would say, “The profoundness of an insight can only be weighed by the person it enlightened. Welcome to therapy, bitch.”
When I call the sessions “a healing fantasy,” it’s recognizing that this is just a vessel by which I can experience healing. Its the same as going to therapy and having a safe place to really let out your intrusive thoughts and understand that they aren’t you. I feel like sometimes I get so caught up on being a “human,” that I forget to be a “being.” I forget that I can just exist. Live from my weirdness.
To go into a bit more detail on what the difference is in what I wanted all along versus what I got, it’s about parallel action. Parallel action of deep conversation, touching and caressing, and emotional vulnerability. I’ve had deep conversation, I’ve had touching and caressing, and I’ve even been a little emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes, I had two of them for a short period of time. But the combination of all three is like no other.
What a dream it is to lie naked with someone, gently touching each other, sexually or not, talking about how you see the world in a way no one seems to understand, but the other does. Softly massaging each other as we share the stories that may be hard to tell others for one reason or another. Full connectedness. I can desire and I can be vulnerable. I can connect intellectually, emotionally and physically. That’s, what I’ve been yearning for.
As beautiful as the experiences have been in the sessions, I ultimately know that we’re going our separate ways after the time is up. So the unfortunate downside is that I experience pretty heavy drop for the next day or two. I go from living on cloud nine back to reality but with a swift kick in the nuts. But yet, I still find it healing. It’s healing because I have language to better describe what I’m looking for. Hell I basically wrote an entire ass blog describing it!
I’ve gone my whole life, like most people who grew up conditioned as a man, thinking sex was the end all be all of physical intimacy. And as time has gone on, especially learning through kink, I realized it was more than just “sex.” Like sex was involved but it was the lead up, the foreplay! Then it was realizing the foreplay is also great by itself! But I never got to the point of connecting on all three levels, intellectual, physical, and emotional.
The combination of all three was the missing piece to understand what I needed out of a relationship. And I’m thankful that working with my provider created that insight. Even though it wasn’t the original intention, my sex drive really was the driver at the time, haha. However, the result was a beautiful glimpse at what sessions with the right provider at the right time can be like. And for that, I’ll be a recurring client.